The Letter to Philemon

At yesterday’s Crossing, I did a lot of speaking to the topic of reconciliation.  Immediately following the message, I had conversations with two ladies who have such deep pain in their lives.  One is struggling with what it means to reconcile with an abusive father.  The other is struggling with what it means to reconcile with an ex-husband.  Two women, same question, how does God expect me to reconcile?  I did not have time to speak to these types of situations but, in this post, would like to speak to them.

These questions are rooted in the same apprehension that Paul had in the letter to Philemon.  The story of this letter is one of a slave-owner who rightfully has a claim to Onesimus, his slave.  The story of Philemon is also, at the exact same time, the story of a slave who desperately desires to be freed from the bondage of slavery placed on him by his master, Philemon, and society in general.  Both men, in some way, have deep baggage; past wounds, a need to be right, confusing cues from their faith and from their world.

The story has a third character, the Apostle Paul.  Paul is asking two major questions; A) how does a slave-owner reconcile with his runaway slave? and B) how does a runaway slave reconcile with his angry slave-owner?  Stuck in the middle is Paul, a friend of both, a spiritual father to each, and a master of weaving in gospel truths to the toughest of societal evils.  How does he traverse these treacherous waters?  I think Paul gives us some direction in navigating these waters.

1. All potential reconciliation must be bathed in prayer.  At the very beginning of his letter, Paul writes the following: “I always thank my God as I remember you in my prayers, because I hear about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints. I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ. Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the saints” (vv. 4-7).  Paul, here, is not attempting to butter up Philemon.  Instead, his letter indicates that he has painfully processed this entire event in prayer.  Therefore, our first step, and continuing step throughout, should be to allow this potential act of reconciliation to simmer in prayer.  Prayer at this stage reminds us that A) God is control of these events and needs to intervene and B) allows God to provide opportunities for reconciliation.

2. Love is the motivator of true reconciliation, not obligation or a desire to check it off our list to earn “God points”.  Paul writes: “Therefore, although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, yet I appeal to you on the basis of love. I then, as Paul-an old man and now also a prisoner of Christ Jesus-I appeal to you for my son Onesimus, who became my son while I was in chains. Formerly he was useless to you, but now he has become useful both to you and to me” (vv. 8-11).  Paul is not confronting Philemon out of spiritual superiority.  Instead, he is confronting Philemon out of love (see 1 Cor. 13:4-7).  Love transforms human relationships and allows us to see the individual the way God sees them, not the way our hurts and wounds perceive them.  Love reminds us that the people we’re desiring to be reconciled with are dearly loved children of God, no matter what type of harm they’ve inflicted against us.  Love is the law of reconciliation.

3. True reconciliation believes in redemption.  Redemption can be defined as renewal for the good.  When you go to a grocery store and use your coupons you redeem them.  In other words, monetary value comes from magazine clippings of paper.  Something once valueless all of sudden offers value.  Redemption is God’s goal for all of humanity and the world, God desires for us all to experience true satisfaction and hope in Him.  Paul writes: “I am sending him [Onesimus]-who is my very heart-back to you. I would have liked to keep him with me so that he could take your place in helping me while I am in chains for the gospel. But I did not want to do anything without your consent, so that any favor you do will be spontaneous and not forced. Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back for good- no longer as a slave, but better than a slave, as a dear brother. He is very dear to me but even dearer to you, both as a man and as a brother in the Lord” (vv. 12-16).  Onesimus is a redeemed man.  Philemon has experienced the power of Christ’s redemption at work in his own life.  Paul’s question, how can two redeemed men not experience the redemption of their own relationship?

4. In light of the above redemption, true reconciliation sends us back to our pain.  For those who are seeking to find a pain-reliever in their faith, know that we can only hide for so long.  We are communal creatures.  Part of God’s redemptive plan is for us to experience redeemed relationships; what we were made for from the very beginning.  We do a great job at understanding that sin distorts our relationship with God but forget that sin also distorts our relationships with each other.  In the above verses, Paul has to send the friend he loves, Onesimus, back to another dear friend, Philemon.  Philemon could have Onesimus executed for running away.  Remember, the letter to Philemon never indicates what Onesimus’ crime actually was.  Onesimus must go back to the source of his deepest pain to experience the awesome redemption of Christ.  Paul’s writing alludes to his positive outlook on this eventual meeting between Onesimus and Philemon.

5. True reconciliation always holds out hope.  Paul writes: “So if you consider me a partner, welcome him as you would welcome me. If he has done you any wrong or owes you anything, charge it to me. I, Paul, am writing this with my own hand. I will pay it back-not to mention that you owe me your very self. I do wish, brother, that I may have some benefit from you in the Lord; refresh my heart in Christ. Confident of your obedience, I write to you, knowing that you will do even more than I ask” (vv. 17-21).  Hope is firmly rooted in love.  God’s love abounds in hope and never gives up.  Hope calls us to believe the unbelievable, to be surprised by God’s marvelous movement and to join Him in his awesome work.  Hope is not some abstract thought.  Instead, for Paul and hopefully for us, hope is grounded in the reality of the Risen Christ.  Just as Christ hopes for everyone to be reconciled to God, so Paul hopes for true reconciliation to take place between Philemon and Onesimus.  Just as Christ, in his heart for reconciliation, took on the burden of sin in himself, so Paul takes on the burden of the wrong between these two men; dear friends.

6. True reconciliation requires authentic hospitality on our part.  Paul writes: “And one thing more: Prepare a guest room for me, because I hope to be restored to you in answer to your prayers” (v. 22).  Hospitality, in the spiritual sense, is allowing the Holy Spirit to move in our hearts to clear away the clutter so that we have space to house the burdens, concerns, and struggles of our unreconciled brother or sister.  Hospitality is not what we think of it, namely, frantically cleaning a dirty house and quickly making a nice meal so that by the looks of things we’re open to company.  True hospitality is akin to the story of Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42).  Martha is busy trying to make the meal and clean the house.  She becomes frustrated that her younger sister, Mary, is in the dining room sitting at Jesus’ feet.  Doesn’t Mary know that there is a great amount of work to be done?  Doesn’t Mary know that her older sister is swamped?  In a moment of utter frustration she runs out to Jesus and cries, “Don’t you care?”  Doesn’t Jesus care that she is doing all the chores of hospitality while Mary is sitting around.  Jesus’ response is priceless, “‘Martha, Martha,’ the Lord answered, ‘you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her’” (vv. 41-42).  Martha knew the letter of hospitality.  She had the outward acts down of cleaning the house and making the meal.  Mary, however, understood the spirit of hospitality.  True hospitality allows Christ to first fill our hearts and minds.  Then everything else is transformed in light of his presence.

7. For those who are struggling with painful reconciliation, this letter to Philemon also offers us a glimpse of Paul’s support network: “Epaphras, my fellow prisoner in Christ Jesus, sends you greetings. And so do Mark, Aristarchus, Demas and Luke, my fellow workers” (v. 23).  You should not navigate these waters alone.  Paul had people pouring into his life as he poured into others.  The painful part of situations of reconciliation is the loneliness and pain of waiting, of searching, of wishing things were different.  The painful part of these moments is that the pain IS real.  People DO wrong us and we DO wrong others.  We need fellow believers to come alongside us, hold us accountable, ask us how the journey is going, and to remind us of God’s infinite love and His awesome grace; grace that can transform us and the other.

8. Lastly, Paul’s letter to Philemon reminds us of who is really in charge of true reconciliation: “The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit” (v. 25).  The Lord Jesus Christ through the power of the Holy Spirit is the true agent of change in relationships of reconciliation.  It’s not a crafty letter or email you send.  It’s not how you look or what you say.  Instead, true reconciliation is rooted in the ancient-future movement of a God who has a heart of reconciliation.  It is only by the grace of this God that Paul sends this letter.  In this sense, reconciliation is not always about the actual relationship being reconciled.  You very well may step out to be reconciled and be rejected.  Look at Jesus, a message of reconciliation, renewal and restoration led to death on a Roman cross.  True reconciliation is simply about being faithful to the promptings of the Holy Spirit.  Jesus is asking us to not give up hope but to try and be reconciled.  You will not be judged on whether the outcome was effective in the world’s eyes.  You will be judged on whether you were faithful to the loving, hopeful, reconciling God you serve.  If you step out to be reconciled and the other person rejects, confidently walk away knowing that you have done your part.  ALWAYS remember that reconciliation is a two-way street.  Paul masterfully understood this in his letter to Philemon.  Continue to pray for those individuals who do not desire to be reconciled with you.  Do not give up hope because you serve a God who never gives up hope.  Be open to surprise, be intentional about grieving, be serious about love, and be renewed by the grace of your Lord and Savior.

These are not eight magical steps for you to take.  Heck, I’m amazed there are eight.  What I hope they are for you is a bedrock, a foundation for which you can build marvelous relationships that glorify Christ.  The steps laid out above are true of all relationships, not just those we need reconciled.  My prayer for you this week is that you would experience the renewing, reconciling force of a God that loves you deeply, unashamedly, passionately, and recklessly.  AND, that you would realize He has the same passionate love for those who have wronged you!

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