Sexuality & Identity, Pt. II
note: This blog entry is family-friendly! The text below is designed to be an aid to talk about the purposes of sex with your youth in order to help guide toward a healthy view of sexuality and healthy behaviors.
In response to some interesting conversations with friends recently, it came up that churches typically do a poor job of talking about the purpose of sex and sexuality in any positive way. Last Week, we discussed competing claims about the purpose of sexuality. According to culture, sexuality is the height of intimacy and fulfillment - having sex and finding romantic love validates identity. According to scripture, sexuality is about covenant, creative love and delight that reflects and embodies God's restoring work in relationship with humanity. Furthermore, sexuality is corrupted and distorted by exploitation, idolatry, and selfishness. So what does this mean for our desires?
Desire & Identity
There is a tendency in our culture to identify our desires as the most revealing traits of who we are at our core. Following this line of reasoning, pursuing our urges and attractions will lead us to best understand ourselves and find fulfillment. We are what we desire. This is at odds with biblical teaching that our desires are corrupted by sin (Rom. 7:14-25). It is little wonder why many consider Christianity prudish, unjust, and intolerant. From the outside perspective, it seems that asking someone to give up her natural desires, or even more to call her desires unnatural, is to ask her to mask her identity and limit self-expression. Indeed, that is unjust! In contrast, however, scripture is arguing for a different basis for identity.
Mark Yarhouse, Professor of Psychology at Regent University, gives some helpful thoughts on distinguishing between desires and identity.1 He proposes a three-tier model:
- Attraction - recognition of feelings of attraction. i.e. "Hm, I'm in the mood for a Reese's cup"
- Orientation - observation of a pattern of significant and sustained desire persistent enough that one may consider himself oriented toward a particular attraction, desire, or behavior. i.e. "I enjoy Reese's cups"
- Identity - a conscious integration of attractions and persistent feelings into the individual's self-identification. i.e. "I am a Reese's cups lover"
It is the final step that factors most significantly into ethical decisions. It is one thing to say that we desire something or even habitually desire it. It is quite another to say that this desire is part of our core identity. This is the lie that tells us either "I cannot help but want this, so it must be good," OR, "I cannot but want this, so I must be bad." It is a lie to define the morality of certain behaviors based upon our desire. It is a lie to define our worth based upon our desire.
Our identity is based upon what God has said about us. We are created with delight (Gen. 1:31). We are called adopted sons and daughters (Gal. 4:4-7). We are made in God's image to reflect God's image (Gen. 1:26-29). We are a people marked by God's name (1 Peter 2:9-10). It is unhealthy to assume that our deepest desires are simply too far and removed from God's will and desires. Our desires are part of who we are, but they do not define us. Wounds can distort and confuse our desires so it becomes difficult to find God's image within them. However, if we bring our desires to God in trust and the loving care of a prayerful community they can be restored and fulfilled in ways we never imagined.
So What?
This brings up a new set of questions for our sexuality. How do our attractions and desires match up to God's plan for us? How can we submit our desires to God to find healthy ways to express our want for relationship, vulnerability, trust, creative energy, nurture, and care? How can we extend grace to others on the journey toward wholeness with us?
Most importantly: What kind of people do we want to be? Do we want to be ruled by our desires or submitted to God?
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1 Mark Yarhouse, Homosexuality and the Christian (Minneapolis, MN: Bethany House Publishers, 2010), 41-42. In his book, Yarhouse focuses mostly on how this three-tier approach shapes the conversation about homosexuality. However, it is helpful for discussing all elements of sexual desire as well as nonsexual desires.
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