Sexuality & Identity, Pt. III
note: This blog entry is family-friendly! The text below is designed to be an aid to talk about the purposes of sex with your youth in order to help guide toward a healthy view of sexuality and healthy behaviors.
In response to some interesting conversations with friends recently, it came up that churches typically do a poor job of talking about the purpose of sex and sexuality in any positive way. The last two weeks we talked about the purposes of sexuality - covenant bonding, love, procreation, and delight - and the distinction between desire and identity - we are defined by our identity in Christ, not our appetites or attractions. That said, we do have God-given, image-bearing desires for wholeness and intimacy that are natural and good. We know that sex is reserved for marriage, and we know that we have a natural urge to share intimacy. How then do we go about finding healthy ways to enter into relationship in the "foreeever" time between now and when we're able to get married?
Kiss Dating Goodbye?
To be blunt, many pre-teens and teens start dating way before they ever should. It can be noted that there is zero biblical precedent for dating, but that's also because there is a major gap between social and cultural norms for relationships. That said, when and how a teenager pursues dating relationships can only be determined together by the individual and the family. Even so, I have a few thoughts to offer. The urge to start dating during these years is an odd mix between the new and confusing things happening to our bodies and the overwhelming desire to be noticed, accepted, and validated. So the best question to ask is not "Is dating ok?" but "Why do I want to date?" and "What do healthy relationships look like?"
When I was in middle-school/high-school (even somewhat into college), two things were true about my romantic mind-set: (1) I was drastically affected by my parents divorce – I wanted more than anything to prove that I could be a good man and have a healthy relationship, and (2) I lived vicariously through Corey Matthews from Boy Meets World. I wanted so badly to find my Topanga - the “love of my life” - that I focused all my energies on trying to figure out what it meant to love someone else well that I completely neglected to learn at all what it meant to be loved. I wanted a relationship to validate myself and fulfill my desire to be loved.
But that's not why God ever loves, is it? God does not seek relationship to sooth wounds or fill some need. God loves out of abundance and health (Acts 17:24-28). The idea of dating as a means of "shopping around" to discover what you like and don't like is a very strange distortion of God's self-giving love imprinted upon us. We turn relationships into consumer products and look for that person that will deliver the best deal for the cost. In God's kingdom, relationship is not determined on the basis of what you get out of the relationship but what you have determined to give. This doesn't mean we give without any expectations or standards for the other. That just leads us into danger in the opposite direction. In my case, I would make a commitment to give of myself with little regard as to who I was giving myself to. As a result, I shared way too much emotionally and got my heart broken several times. The fundamental difference between my love and God’s love was that while I sought to love to prove my worth, Jesus seeks to love by laying down his worth. God knows who He is and has no need to prove anything to us. His love is perfect.
Guard Your Heart
In all of this, it is crucial to realize the importance of guarding our hearts in relationship - with friends AND significant others. This does not mean withholding our hearts and erecting barriers that no one can break through without proving themselves worthy. It does mean choosing wisely to whom we will open up the most vulnerable areas of our heart. Often we find ourselves seeking relationships with people who are attractive, popular, nice, or entertaining. For a lack of better standards, we fall back on exterior evidence of success. Unfortunately, these traits are more likely to prove the person to be concerned about their own appearance than the good of others. So I want to propose a new set of standards. When looking for healthy relationships, seek out someone who...
- Is a Christ-like example to others, bears fruits of the spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and self-control)
- Dresses modestly/has self-respect.
- Seeks guidance – is aware that they are not perfect and accepts wisdom from others who are further along their faith journey.
- Is able to challenge you and spur you to become better
- Encourages you (and others) and does not demean anyone
- Cares about their own health and well-being
In summary, look for people who are healthy, holy, and humble. Now this doesn't mean we should avoid people who are non-Christians or who don't have their lives together. This is not about choosing who to acknowledge and be friendly toward. This is about choosing who to invest your heart in. The other neat thing about this list is that none of these are unattainable for someone who does not currently have these qualities. Putting up these boundaries protects yourself and also encourages others towards spiritual health and Christ-likeness.
Healthy Affection
Those suggestions may be all well and good for helping discern who we seek relationships with, but what about the other stuff? What about sex? What about affection (hugging, kissing, holding hands)? What about romance? The big lie we often buy into is that we need to get good at this stuff before marriage. For sure, intimacy and affection don't just magically happen after exchanging vows. However, making the promise to bear with one another as you learn and communicate through failures and success creates an environment of safety and nurture.
In marriage, you are able to share parts of each other that are vulnerable and grow in deeper intimacy. THIS IS NOT JUST PHYSICAL. You live with one another and learn each other in ways that go beyond any other relationship you will have in your life. It’s gonna be awesome, but it’s also going to be really hard. Before marriage, there will be parts of your life and heart that are just not appropriate to share without having committed yourself to that person. Can you think of a time that you shared something personal with someone and then that relationship was severed/the trust was broken? How bad did that hurt? Song of Songs tells us, "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires" (2:7, 3:5, 8:4). Romantic love is a gift, but its a gift that can quickly burn us if we are not wise and patient.
Does that mean we ought not share personal things with people we are not married to? OBVIOUSLY NOT. What it does mean is that we need to learn how to share of our spirit while guarding our hearts. Here's a few closing thoughts:
- If you find yourself compelled to do something before you are ready because you feel the need to prove your love, WAIT! Anyone who truly loves you will be willing to wait for you. While things like holding hands, hugging, or even a peck on the cheek may seem innocent, you get to determine when you are ready.
- Stay out of situations that are going to unnecessarily play on your emotions. Avoid situations that you know will catch you between drummed up emotion and temptation. There's a big difference between watching a romantic comedy with your family and watching that same movie with a friend of the opposite sex in your room.
- Practice healthy expressions of affection (chivalry, compliments, etc). Share genuine words of encouragement. Help others in times of need. Give gifts. Spend quality time with people. Give handshakes and hugs. If you wonder whether something crosses a line, ask for advice. Check your motives and seek to encourage in ways that bring life to others.